First off, bless you for your feedback on my last post because it made me feel like I wasn’t the only idiot to accidentally OD on gummies.
Secondly, if you read here you already know that I take ketamine injections once every month or two (at a medical clinic) to help treat my treatment-resistant depression and that I have a history of accidentally watching the wrong thing on their TV while having a terrible psychedelic trip (like the time when I was watching Schitt’s Creek and it ended and started playing an apocalypse movie that I thought was the live news) so this last time I was like, “Let’s play it safe” and I chose something called “Christmas Cats” or something like that and it opened with little kittens playing with ribbons and I was like, “Yeah, you can’t go wrong with kittens” and the nurse agreed and left the room and then this happened:
It’s not in focus because I was incredibly high and wasn’t sure it was real, but it lasted forever….the unblinking cat slowly getting closer and closer.
It was like I was looking at myself as a cat who was also too high and was having an internal freak-out as the flames of hell popped around us.
But then it changed and I was like, “Clearly I’m hallucinating this because what?”
It was keyboard cat. Staring right at me. He knew I was high and he was judging me.
“You’re not real,” I may have whispered. “You’re not even Christmas-based.” And that seemed to work because he faded away and was replaced with this:
I don’t have a good picture of this one because, again, too high…but seriously. Look close at this image. I can’t even begin to tell you what is wrong here. I remember saying, “CATS AREN’T SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THAT” and then I (thankfully) lost my sight and fell to another dimension while reassuring myself: “The cats on the tv can’t hurt you.”
And then the next day I was looking through my phone and realized that all the stuff that I thought I’d hallucinated was totally real and so this is a lesson from me to you to check out what you’re going to watch before the ketamine appointment because seriously, no one needs this.
And a quick note in case you are in San Antonio for the holiday and want to stop by Nowhere Bookshop, that we’re giving all our employees paid days off on Thanksgiving and Black Friday because we’re bad at capitalism but good at people. But we’ll be back open on Saturday, and as a special thanks we’re offering 20% off all of my signed, personalized books ordered from Saturday to Monday if you want one for yourself or as gifts for others. (We ship everywhere.) And I will happily accuse you of a crime, give you a trivia hint or draw a picture of a giant metal chicken, or whatever else you like in your books if you just let me know on the order form. Just use the code SURPRISEME at checkout to apply the discount.
I don’t know who on our team made this picture of me but it is cracking me up:
